Mary Mary, Quite Contrary
by Black Rien
Summary: Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too...
1. I hit a homeless guy

Summary:  
_Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out __  
__to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too..._

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Hellsing or have any affiliation  
with the series/manga what-so-ever.  
Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

* * *

_**"Mary, Mary, Quite contrary,**_  
_**How does your garden grow?"**__**  
**_  
_**"With Bloody Belles, And Shot Gun Shells,**_  
_**And Vampires all in a row."**_

* * *

Mary Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter 1; _'I hit a homeless guy… and the world goes to shit.'_

* * *

Inside a large, English mansion, a group of men sat at a round table, talking amongst themselves with fervor. A pleasant looking bulter pushing a cart entered moments later, accompanied by a younger, blonde haired woman with a stern expression.

The group fell into a hush as the woman sat down. As the butler began serving tea to the full group the woman spoke, her voice commanding attention even at its lowest volume, "Greetings, everyone. I have assembled you all here today to discuss a very pressing matter."

She raised her cup, still steaming, and took a small sip before she continued, "As of late, the number of vampire attacks has been increasing in one remote area. This particular group of vampires has raped and killed more than twenty women in a span of three weeks. The men have all been reported as ghouls."

Her voice lowered and her eyes narrowed, "I am telling you this for one specific reason, to ensure that anyone who lives in the surrounding area be moved as quickly as possible. I will be sending you into that area within a week." she stood and began to walk out, "That is all. Good day."

The men stared at her retreating figure, then proceeded into the mansion's lower levels to prepare for the week ahead.

* * *

I was, in one word, exhausted. Leave it to the last group of people to take forever. Why people always feel the most pressing need to fill their homes with flowers for the 'joyfull Christmas season' I'll never know.

Feeling a sneeze coming on, I reached for one of the tissues on the countertop in front of me. I hated the winter season, solely for the reason that it always ended with me having a full-blown cold. Owning a flower shop certainly didn't help matters.

I sniffled as I walked to the front of the shop and locked the door, turning the 'Open' sign to 'Closed'. I looked at the sight of my glorious flower shop "_Mary's Contraries_" with some disgust.

When I first moved to London with Clara, my best friend of ten years, she told me that it was essential for a strong woman to be able to hold down a job. Feminist to the end, Clara had joined up with a local Police unit.

The only job I could muster was owning a dingy flower shop in the darker parts of Fleet Street. I have yet to find a demonic barber, so I suppose it's an alright place. Clara was severely disappointed in me for picking such a 'degrading job for a woman'. I may not like flowers, not at all, really, but I have an amzing green thumb, if I do say so myself.

After a long talking to, she convinced me that if I was going to go through with such a job, I would at least need a cute name for it; thereafter, 'Mary's Contraries' it was. A flower shop, owned by a girl named Mary. Sometimes the irony of it all sickens me.

It's been a year for us in London, and we're making ends meet as best we can. My small house out in the country-side fits us both just fine. '_We're so old fashioned…'_ I thought to myself with a grin.

Ten minutes after I had closed up shop, I was on the way home, a good thirty minutes away when I realized I had forgotten my house keys again. I could wait outside the house for an hour until Clara gets off her shift, but with my sickness-prone self, that wasn't going to happen.

I turned a sharp left, grateful for the turn-about, and pressed down on the accelerator. I was going, admittedly, a little too fast, when something smashed into my windshield, cracking it before rolling off behind the car. "Bloody hell!" I shouted as my foot found the brakes, not noticing how accustomed I'd been to using the British accent.

I knew I was never the best of drivers, but really? I sat in my seat, hands practically glued to the steering wheel as I looked out my side view mirror. "Oh my God…" was all I could say. Laying about fifteen feet away from the bumper of my car was a body, a_ human_ body.

I hit someone. I _hit _someone. By this point, I was hyperventalating. Wasn't this, like, murder, or something? I shook myself and opened the car door, pulling my wind-breaker tighter as I was assaulted by a harsh gust of cold, winter wind.

I walked through the layer of snow that was piled up and stopped beside the car bumper before I called out, "Hello? Umm…" I stuttered of course, after all, what do you say to someone you've just run over? "Are you alright?" I smacked my forehead, _'Stupid question, of course they're not alright, you just him them with your car for Christ's sake!'_

I slowly made my way over to the body. It looked like a man. Really tall, tattered clothes; probably just some old, homeless guy on a late night stroll, looking for a place to crash. _'Aw, shit!'_ I thought,_ 'As if this couldn't get any worse! I not only run someone over going sixty-five, I hit some poor homeless guy!'_

I was five feet from the guy when he let out a loud groan. Now, I'm no medical genuis, but I'm smart enough to figure out that if someone going sixty-five plus miles an hour hits a pedestrian, that pedestrian ain't going nowhere but a casket in the morgue.

"Um, sir?" I started, slowly inching forward. Apparently 'Mary Mary quite contrary' and her wonderous garden never met the curious cat.

The man got slowly to his feet and I noticed that he was… _broken_ in several places. His right arm was as close to falling off as it could get, a few tendons away from thudding onto the blood stained patch of snow he had risen from.

His jaw was hanging like a broken door, as in, _off its hinges_. What disturbed me most, though, were his eyes. Completely white, the iris rolled up into his skull. It was that next low moan that shook me out of my stupor.

Fear taking over my brain, I bypassed my car and ran into the nearby outcrop of trees. I searched ahead as best I could, the only thought on my mind was to get as far away as possible from… whatever that thing was.

I wasn't clueless, I've seen horror flicks late at night with Clara. How zombie-fied humans go insane and eat everyone, then the few remaining humans have to kill them off or get eaten.

This… this was _so_ not like that. That thing, that _zombie_, was real. Nobody walks around looking like a wild dog torn through them, nobody gets up after a surely fatal car vs. person collision.

I slowed to a stop near a tall tree and leaned against it, trying to catch my breath. My hands, no, my whole body was shaking, and it wasn't just from the cold. Really, this stuff just doesn't happen. Zombies aren't real.

I didn't notice how badly I was reacting, rocking myself back and forth on the ground. I also didn't notice the figure slowly approachin me from behind.

At least, not until it laid a hand on my shoudler. "Eeeeyyyyaaaaahhhh!"

Yeah, I seriously made that sound. Turning quickly, expecting to see Mister Undead Zombieface, also expecting to be gnawed on, I squeezed one eye shut and raised my fists, ready to at least _try_ to fight, _'Clara would be so proud…_' when I noticed who exactly had touched me.

She was a younger girl than me, at least she looked that way. Short but pretty blonde hair framed her face, while blue eyes looked into mine with confusion.

The girl spoke first, "Oh, I guess we missed one. It'll be alright now, let's get you out of here." she smiled softly, stretching out her hand for mine.

I was about to ask what the hell was happening when the unmistakable rata-tat-tat of machine gun fire was heard from the direction I had been running in, _'Remind me why it was I left my car behind?'_

Screaming voices followed, and they were getting closer. The girl looked in the direction of the gun fire and screams and turned to me with a serious expression, "I have to go. I'll be right back, promise. Just… stay put, please?"

With that, she turned around and bolted through the woods. I was immediately jealous. I had always wanted to be able to run like that, ever since high school. I had the long lean legs for it, sure, I just never had the stamina.

I sighed and slumped back down against my tree. What on earth was going on? Gun fire? Zombies? Super-pretty girls on speed?

'_Zombie appocalypse'_, my mind supplied, but I quickly squashed that idea. I stretched my arms above my head and laughed a bit, it might have been a tad hysteric, "Zombies," I muttered aloud, "As if. Prolly' just some crazy terrorists or somethin'."

Zombies or terrorists, either made me think of Clara. She was always so brave and strong. Ever since we were kids she'd stuck up for me, her cynical little sidekick whose mouth always got us both into trouble.

She supplied the power that she somehow stored in her tiny fists, and I brought my sharp, silver tongue; we were the invincible duo. Nothing had changed. Only now, I didn't have my rough-and-tough best friend to back me up or hold me close as the gunfire got nearer and nearer.

I heard a rustling in the direction ahead of me. Thinking it was the girl from before, I got up and dusted myself off. When I looked up, however, a man was ten feet from me.

Dark brown hair, a regal face to die for, and the sexiest smile I'd ever seen. I'm pretty sure my jaw dropped.

I was also pretty sure God had just dropped an angel in front of me. That is, until he opened his mouth.

His lips stretched wide, think Cheshire Cat, and teeth the length of my pinky finger jutted out on all sides as he hissed. Okay, scratch what I said before, God must have just bunted the next new devil out of Heaven but missed Hell by a mile.

He rushed at me, clearing the distance between us in a blur. Wind blew around me as he disappeared from my sight. I almost let out a sigh when a hand snaked around my waist followed by a voice, "Hmm, you smell nice, lovely."

A hand jacked my head to the side and those teeth, _those God awful teeth_, pressed against my neck. For the second, or perhaps third, time that night, I screamed.

A loud blast made my ears ring and I fell to the ground, the hand from the monster had let me go. I held my hands to my ears to try and dull the ringing when someone picked me up in their arms.

My eyes were blurring, and I could hardly focus. Everything in front of me now was either red or black, _'Please don't let the red be blood…'_ I prayed silently.

I could make out something of a face, but as the blurry lips moved, all I could hear was that same ringing.

I think that was about the time I passed out…

* * *

A/N: Thought you'd never hear from me again, did you?  
Well, I'm back. Due to an unfortunate occurance, I lost the password  
to my other account and had deleted my old email (coated in spam...)  
So here I am, back with Mary.  
I promise to get my shit together this time around ;)  
(And not lose anymore passwords...)

Tumbling Tundra


	2. I get interviewed

Summary:  
_Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out __  
__to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too..._

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Hellsing or have any affiliation  
with the series/manga what-so-ever.  
Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

**Top A/N:  
**Thank you to _Sanguivore_  
for being the first to review this  
revised edition of MMQC  
=3

* * *

_**"Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,**_  
_**How does your garden grow?"**__**  
**_  
_**"With Bloody Belles, And Shot Gun Shells,**_  
_**And Vampires all in a row."**_

* * *

Mary Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter 2; _'I get interviewed by a creeper and his scary boss lady'_

* * *

Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing shook her head as she sucked in a drag from her cigar. She sat in her wide wooden desk with a few files scattered atop it, while two of her servants sat in front of her desk.

One, a young, blonde-haired girl stared intently out the window, trying to look as calm as possible. The man beside her was dressed in red and black from head to foot, and smirking steadily at the stern woman sitting in front of him.

The woman blew out a thin cloud of smoke, "So then, Alucard, Seras," she drawled out slowly, "How did we get ourselves into this, hm?"

Seras was the first to speak, "W- well, sir, I ran across the girl while the men were taking out the ghouls, sir," she began, obviously nervous, "She seemed... rather shaken up so I was about to lead her out of the area, but the men started screaming..."

Under Sir Hellsing's harsh glare, Seras seemed to wither, but continued, "Well, you see, sir Integra, I… I had to go and help them so I asked the girl to stay where she was and I swore I'd be right back for her, but-!"

Integra interupted, "So, in short, you left a human, a weak, frightened human girl, all by herself in a ghoul infested forest while you went off to aid a group of grown men who can very well fend for themselves?" she drew in another breath, smoke coming out from her lips in large bursts.

Seras shrank down in her seat, "Y- yes, I… I suppose I did…"

Integra rubbed her temple between her fingers and sighed, dropping her cigar down on the ash tray, "And I suppose that is where you came in, Alucard?" she sighed.

The man in red grinned, "Of course, my master, but I was only following orders," he smirked, crossing his arms over his chest, "Your orders to evacuate the surrounding area and lead the humans to safety, master. After blasting the offending vampire to bits, I took the girl to the safest place I could think of."

Sir Integra was obviously not pleased, but conceded, "How much did she see?" she asked seriously.

Alucard had not ceased grinning, "Everything, my master. She saw the ghouls, heard the gun shots, the screaming of frantic humans, and the rogue vampire about to sink its fangs into her throat."

Sir Integra rested her forehead in her hands, "Where is the girl now?"

Seras answered, "S- she's still asleep. In my room, Sir Integra…"

Integra nodded and rose up from her chair, "Very well, I'll go speak with her."

She strode out of th room, leaving the two vampires alone to do as they wished. In all her years as the head of the Hellsing family, this was undoubtedly her biggest failure.

With Seras, it was easier, as she was already a vampire. The girl Alucard had brought back with him, however, was still human. _'I suppose I'll just have to make the best of a bad situation…' _she thought bitterly as she walked steadily down the corridors.

* * *

I turned in the warm bedsheets, trying to find a cool spot underneath the covers. I couldn't sleep without having my feet snuggled into that spot, odd as it seems. _'Found it…'_ I thought smugly, my body laying diagonally in the bed.

To anyone else, it would look pretty uncomfortable, but believe me, it's as close to Heaven as a bed can get. I wrapped my arms around the pillow so that I was laying on top of it, my head resting in the center.

It was a Saturday, thank God, so I would be able to sleep in. I needed sleep this morning after that crazy, wacked out dream I had last night. Zombies and demons and machine guns, Clara would be so jealous.

I snickered in my half-sleep, she'd probably try to analyze my dream for me, _'She has such weird habits…'_ I reached over, eyes still closed, and fumbled around on the dresser. I couldn't find my alarm clock, so I gave a soft groan and dragged myself up, careful to keep the covers around me.

Rubbing my eyes open, I noticed something was off._ Way_ off. First clue? The walls were cream coloured. Cream?

My beautiful olive green painted room that Clara and I had spent hours painting, along with each other's clothes, was gone. My antique alarm clock was also gone. Instead, there was one of those tiny little electric ones with glaring orange numbers.

My bed sheets were the plushy soft white ones that make you wanna snuggle into them with a mug of hot cocoa. These were yellow, _so fricken yellow!_

I quickly threw them off, I hated yellow. On anything but baby birds, yellow was just plain _nasty_. I looked down and realized that I was in my clothes from yesterday. Man, my clothes looked gross, all covered in grimey, filthy yuckness. I didn't dare smell them. _'How did I get home, again? Speaking of home, where am I now?'_

It didn't look like any place I'd seen before. Was I mugged? Drugged? Mugged and drugged? "Okay, think Mary. What was the last place you remember being in yesterday?"

Before I could properly answer myself, _'First sign of giong mental…'_ my brain supplied un-helpfully, the door across the room swung open and a elderly looking man walked in with a tea tray.

I scooted back on the bed as he approached. Before he could open his mouth, I opened mine, "PLEASE DON'T MOLEST ME, OLD MAN!"

Oh, how embarrassing. Did I really just-? Judging by the look on his face, yeah, I did. The man tried to smile, his cheeks dusted with pink from the embarrassment I caused us both, "There is… no need to worry about that, miss." he spoke as kindly as he could, "I, nor anyone else here, will… molest you. Would you care for some tea?"

Kidnapped by an old man who isn't gonna molest me, but offers me tea instead? Weird, but I do love tea, so I nodded.

"Did you… put something in it?" I asked, suspicious of my kidnapper who replied, "Just sugar, miss." I took a sip, then another, then another. Soon enough, the cup was empty. Kidnapper or not, the old man made a mean cup o' tea.

I felt odd, sitting there with an empty cup, being stared at by the old man in his fancy suit, "So, um…" I started, "Why have I been abducted and who did the abducting? No offense, old guy, but you really don't look like you could drag me anywhere…"

He gave me a confused look and then gave a little "Ah…" noise when the door opened and a lady walked in. She was dressed in a large coat and pleated pants, shiny shoes, glasses, and a look so cold that Jack Frost would probably freeze his ass off.

Fortunately for Jack, the gaze was directed at me. _'So, she's my kidnapper?'_ I thought, trying not to make eye contact.

She walked over to me and the older man gave her a small bow, obviously, she was somebody important. "Hello." she said, _'Oof, even her voice is chilly…'_ I thought as she continued, "I am Sir Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing." I tried not to grimace, _'And I complain about having a plain name? Never again…' _

You are currently inside the Hellsing Organization's main base of operations. I assume you know why?" I couldn't help but blurt out my dad's long standing rule about assumptions, "No, I don't and assuming makes an ass outta you and an ass outta me! A-S-S-U-M-E!"

Oh, dear sweet Jesus, could I be any more fucked? I just called my kidnapper an ass? The woman's, Integra's, frown deepened, "Miss, Allen, yes?"

_'Oh God, they know my name…'_

"Miss Allen, we at the Hellsing Organization are charged with a very specific line of work. The very same kind of work you witnessed last night, do you remember?"

My eyes widened, _'The nasty zombie dude that I hit with my car? And the monster/ devil man with shark teeth? Oh shit…' _I thought, "It was real…"

"Yes, that's correct. It is Hellsing's duty is to eradicate monsters. Vampires, ghouls, and all the other creatures that go bump in the night."

I hate when I can't keep my mouth shut, "I saw something I wasn't supposed to so you kidnapped me and now you're gonna_ kill_ me and leave my corpse in a sewage ditch!"

The woman smirked, and no, it wasn't a nice smirk, "I was going to offer you a position here to keep you quiet about what you saw, but if you would prefer a sewage ditch then-"

"NO!" I shouted, making both the woman and the man flinch, "I- I mean, a job sounds good. Better that than dead in a sewer. Definitely."

The woman smirked again, like she knew this would happen from the start, "Of course we'll have to evaluate you, to see where you fit in here at Hellsing. Walter," she said, turning to the man, "Go find some clothes that will fit our new… recruit.."

The was she said recruit made me shiver, not in a good way. The man bowed again and left the room, the woman followed suit before turning back to me, "Miss Allen?" she said, "Do make sure you're prepared for your evaluation. We don't need another corpse to deal with." and she left.

I really did not like that woman. Finally something I hate more than the colour yellow…

* * *

About an hour later, I had changed into what might be my future uniform. It was, of course, _yellow_. I was brought into a secluded room and asked to sit in in the chair near the table in the center.

I sat down, the chair was not comfortable at all, and in walked Sir Stick-up-her-butt, not that I'd ever call her that out loud, who was followed by an insanely tall man dressed in red.

The man laughed and spoke up, "I thought this would be amusing, my master, but I never imagined how amusing she would be." he chuckled to himself as the woman glared at me.

"What is so amusing, Alucard?" she asked, still glaring at me.

The man flashed me a grin, "Her thoughts, my master, or 'Sir-stick-up-her-butt', was it?" he asked, and I felt myself paling.

Sir Integra's eye twitched as she sat down in the chair across from me. The man stood behind her to the left.

"Very well," she said, grating her teeth, "Let's begin, shall we?"

I gave her a confused look, ignoring the chuckling red dude, "Begin with what, exactly?"

"Your interview. In short, Alucard and I will be evaluating you based on your personality and past experiences. We don't need someone mentally unstable running around Hellsing."

I couldn't help but shift my glance towards the red guy, Alucard, when she said 'mentally unstable'. _He_ sure didn't seen stable at all, but hey, I'm no psychiatrist…

The woman took out a clipboard and a pen, "Now, as you can tell from earlier, Alucard is able to understand your thoughts, we'll know if your lying." she gave me a pointed glare before continuing.

"Please fill out this form accurately. _Do not_ skip any question."

I sighed and took the clipboard.

**Name:** Mary Jane Allen  
**  
Age:** 21  
**  
Place of Birth:** Luckenbach, Texas, United States  
**  
Allergies:** Pollen  
**  
Hereditary/Mental Illnesses:** None

**Have you ever used a fire-arm of any sort?:** Yes

After about twenty more questions like that, I handed it back to Sir Hellsing, no more bad names for the mind reader, who gave it to Alucard. He read it over and nodded, then put it down on the table.

The woman picked it up and got out of her chair, "Your written evaluation is in order. Your physical will begin in one hour." she walked out of the room, leaving me alone with the crazy looking red guy.

"So…" I began, trying to start a conversation, "Zombies and vampires? Am I being Punk'd or the British equivalent?" The man grinned and shook his head, long bits of hair waving around his face, _'He needs a haircut… Or maybe shampoo…'_

Apparently he head that one too and started laughing, he didn't have a nice laugh. This was maybe a cackle. Maybe an evil scientist kind of laughing chuckle. Either way, not nice. Why was everything here not nice?

He promptly plopped down in the seat, stretching his limbs out in my direction. I scooted my chair back a foot or two. "Now_, that's_ not nice." he said, shaking a finger in front of my nose, "I save you from the big bad vampire and I don't even get a 'Thank you'? So much for damsels in distress…" he rattled off.

"Sorry, what? You saved me? Were you the big red fuzzy thing?" I asked, and sounded stupid.

He tilted his head up from where it was laying on the table, "If a big red fuzzy thing saved you, then yes, I am the big red fuzzy thing." he grinned and gave me a waiting look.

I stared for a moment before I got the picture, "Oh, right, thanks and stuff…"

He gave me a blank look, his grin from before completely gone, "Is that all?" he asked.

Now I was the blank faced one, _'I said thanks, what more's he want?'_ I rolled my eyes and asked, "Yyyeesss, that's all." I drawled out, "Why?"

That creepy grin was back, reminding me of the devi- vampire, from last night, "Usually, when a knight in shining armour rescues a lovely maiden, he is given a kiss as thanks." he said, rocking himself to to side.

I pursed my lips, "You don't look much like a knight in shining armour to me. More like an escapee from the nearest insane asylum…" the last part was muttered, but he heard it anyway and tried to pout at me.

A pouty face on this guy? Creepy to the max. A sharp knock on the door and a yell of, "Alucard! Come here!", stopped the awkward conversation.

Alucard gave a mock bow and a wink in my direction and- walked through the wall to the left. Leaving me staring at it for a few minutes before I, stupidly, got to my feet and tried to phase through the wall myself.

It painted a rather strange picture as Walter, who I discovered was the Hellsing butler, came in to get me for my physical and found me pushing against the wall with my shoulder.

As we walked down the hallway, I swear I heard the man snicker silently, as if this kind of thing happened all the time…

* * *

A/N: Alright! I'm on a roll~  
For more info on anything Mary-related,  
check my LJ (link on profile)

Tumbling Tundra


	3. A big bad dog and a gaggle of geese

Summary:  
_Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out __  
__to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too..._

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Hellsing or have any affiliation  
with the series/manga what-so-ever.  
Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

**Top A/N:  
**Thank you all for  
being so nice to me.  
I makes me feel all warm and fuzzy =)

* * *

_**"Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,**_  
_**How does your garden grow?"**__**  
**_  
_**"With Bloody Belles, And Shot Gun Shells,**_  
_**And Vampires all in a row."**_

* * *

Mary Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter 3; _'A big, bad dog and a gaggle of Geese'_

* * *

The physical I mentioned? I think by now I would have prefered the sewer. That Sir Integra lady designed the physical, isn't that great?

The first portion wasn't so bad. A general examination, like at a doctor's office. The second part went straight to Hell…

She and Walter drag me into the shooting range, give me a huge freaking gun and a target a few hundred yards away. The bullets are longer than my fingers, for Christ's sake!

After three or more seconds of me standing there clueless, _'I mean really, did she expect me to shoot that?'_, she has one of the soldiers who followed us out toss a bucket of red paint on me!

She grinned that snarky grin of hers and told me, "Unfortunately, Miss Allen, you have just become a vampire's dinner. Try to be a tad more hasty next time."

After I finally got the picture and fired the damn gun, the recoil was so bad it tossed me on my ass. To top it all off, the paint made my fingers slip and I missed, earning myself another helping of the thick, red goop, courtesy of Captain Jackass…

Next, we went to a large track area. A few miles of nothing but paved dirt. I assumed I'd be running, which I was. I hated running, I had zero stamina, but I didn't dare say a word to Sir Integra.

Did I mention she has a dog? A big, black, mean as fuck _dog?_ I generally don't like dogs. So, before I could put two and two together, I was inside the track, running til my lungs felt like they would burst, with a huge furry monster of a dog chasing my ass, nipping at my heels.

I made it about a mile and a half before poochy pounced on me like a panther and sent me sprawling to the ground where I swallowed a few _delicious_ mouthfuls of, you guessed it, dirt.

Her Imperial Bitchiness smiled smugly at me and sent the dog into the mansion with a quick snap of her fingers. I swear the dog grinned at me before it gave a deep, gruff bark and bolted inside.

Combine all the outdoor activities she made me go through with the icy cold English weather and you can bet I was in a _wonderful_ mood…

By the time we were finished, I was asleep on my feet. Walter told me that my results would be ready and reviewed by tomorrow and to go get some rest. I happily obliged. He had that girl from before, Seras, escort me to what could possibly be my room.

We were just outside my door when she grasped my shoulder, "It'll be okay." she said with a kind smile, "Sir Integra might seem pretty mean, but she has everyone's best interest at heart."

I gave her a cynical look, which made her speak in a louder, more excited voice, "R- really, I mean it!" she said vehemently, "She just… doesn't want someone to get hurt or worse if you mess up!"

I smiled, _'Is it just me or does this girl… makes things sound even worse than they are…?'_, I gave her a quick, half-assed thank you, not that she noticed, before I entered my possibly would-be room and closed the door.

I took off my Hellsing issue jacket, still covered in red paint, and was about to jump into bed when I noticed it was already occupied. Curled up on the top sheet, its big, creepy red eyes gazing happily up at me, was Integra Hellsing's mutt.

I gave it a disbelieving look, "Uh uh, pooch, off the bed." I told it, as firmly as I could, gesturing down with my finger to help it get the message. The dog simply cocked its massive head and lolled its tongue out, letting drool drip all over my sheets.

"Oh, c'mon, that's just gross!" I shouted at it, "As if your hairy carcass on my bed wasn't enough, you have to go and drool all over it?"

The dog looked invariably pleased with itself and continued to slobber on the sheets. I gave an irritated sigh and walked over to the bed. When I was just in front of it, I bent down and kneeled on my ankles so that I was on eye level with the dog, "Okay, pooch, let's get things straight. I don't like dogs. That means I don't like you. Maybe I'd feel a bit more generous if you were a cute dog. Even more generous if you hadn't chased me within an inch of my life today. Now, since we understand each other, get los-"

I was cut off as a long, pink tongue dragged itself across my face, "_Holy fucking eww!"_ I shreiked and fell backward. I huffed and glared at the offending creature before I got to my feet, "Fine, have it your way, Fido…"

I pushed the heavy puppy over onto the far side of the bed, before I sat on the adjacent edge, as far away from the dog as I could and glared at the opposite wall. After a few minutes, I noticed that the dog was staring at me, "What is it, mutt?" I asked monotonously, resulting in a growl from the dog, "What, you don't like 'mutt'?"

The dog snorted in agreement, _'At least its not stupid…'_, I thought, "How 'bout Poochy?" I asked with a grin. The dog snarled visciously, making me cringe, "Okay, scratch that… Sparky?"

The dog let out a low whine, the human equivalent would be, 'Are you kidding me?', so I tried again, "... Spot?", which resulted in a blank stare.

I laughed a bit, "Yeah, sure, like that woman would name anything _Spot_." I had the feeling anything around here named Spot would more than likely end up _shot_...

The dog looked impatient as I rattled off names in my head, "Sorry, fella, that's all I can think of…" I muttered as I turned to lay down on the bed, careful to avoid any doggie drool, not noticing its despondent look.

The dog rested its head on my stomach as I drifted into sleep. I carefully put my hand on its head and moved my fingers in a circular motion. I smiled as I heard the tell-tale thump of its tale hitting the sheets, _'Maybe dogs aren't _that_ bad…' _I thought to myself as I drifted off to sleep. Not that I'd ever say it out loud...

* * *

When I woke up the next morning, the dog was gone. As I got dressed in clean clothes that I found in one of the dresser drawers, I noticed that the dog's pawprints which trailed to the bed from the door and back again, ended in muddy shoe-prints exiting my room, _'Curiouser and curiouser?'_ I thought with a shrug as I pulled a clean, still yellow, jacket over a white short-sleeve shirt.

I changed the red paint-stained _yellow_ pants for another pair, _'God, what is these people's deal with yellow?'_, and tossed my hair up in a clip.

I found Seras, who was _way _too cheerfull for this early in the morning, standing outside my door. Apparently, my results just barely let me slide...

She had therefore been given the task of introducing me to the Hellsing group's little band of mercenaries.

I nearly died laughing at the name, "They call themselves _what?_" I asked, trying not to choke on my laughter. Laughter is, as we all know, contagious, and Seras caught it when she replied, "T- the Wild Geese?" she giggled out, trying to staunch her laughing fit, "I never thought it was that unusual but..." which was followed by hysterical giggling.

So the two of us found ourselves holding our stomachs as we emerged from the mansion that morning and headed out to the range where the Geese were waiting.

I could hardly wait to write Clara about this! A sobering thought caught me then, _'Can I contact her at all?'_ I mean, this was supposed to be some secret organization, wasn't it?

Seras, still suffering from left over giggles, walked up to a tall man with a long braid wearing a big hat, "Good morning, Mr. Bernadotte! I brought our new recruit!" she shouted cheerfully. As the man came closer, the Wild Geese seemed more hilarious than ever. Little did I know I was in for one rough day...

* * *

A/N: Yay! Another chapter!  
I'm sorry if it seems late, I was on the road for almost a week =P  
Hope you enjoyed!

Tumbling Tundra


	4. Puppy ain't no puppy

Summary:  
_Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out __  
__to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too..._

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Hellsing or have any affiliation  
with the series/manga what-so-ever.  
Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

**Top A/N:  
**Thank you all for  
being so nice to me.  
I makes me feel all warm and fuzzy =)

* * *

_**"Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,**_  
_**How does your garden grow?"**__**  
**_  
_**"With Bloody Belles, And Shot Gun Shells,**_  
_**And Vampires all in a row."**_

* * *

Mary Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter 4; _'Puppy ain't no puppy…'_

* * *

It was highly amusing for me to see a grown man, dressed in a huge light brown trench coat, flick his insanely long braid over his shoulder and he trotted up to me. No, seriously, the dude trots like a prize winning horse…

Seras skipped happily behind him, running ahead when he tried to put his arm around her waist, and shouted at him in a shrill voice when his fingers wandered lower that wasn't as annoyed as it could have been.

As he got closer, I noted an eyepatch covering his left eye, _'So this guy runs the Wild Geese?' _I thought with a smirk, _'Well, I'll be damned if he isn't rather goose-ish.'_

He came to a stop right in front of me, way too close for my tastes, before bending over in a sweeping bow, "Bonjour, miss, and welcome to Hellsing. I am Captain Pip Bernadotte," he said, it seemed like he was trying to act like a gentleman, "We, of ze Wild Geese are very pleased to make you acquaintance." he prattled on, before leaning up and kissing me on the cheek.

To which I stood stunned for a few moments before Clara's words of wisdom came back to me; _"Mary, if any man ever tries to kiss or touch you without your express permission… Slap that fucker to the God-damned ground!"_

Shortly after, Captain Goose found himself knocked onto his ass, clutching his flaming red cheek, "Ay! What did I do, eh?" he shouted at me. Seras was trying not to laugh at the man's outraged expression, along with the rest of the mercenaries.

"You invaded my personal bubble… I'm very sensitive about my bubble." I told him, to which he huffed and pulled himself to his feet.

"Well, _Mademoiselle_," he said grinning, "I suppose that's as good a welcome a any!" he grinned cheerfully, still holding his injured face. The rest of the group followed suit, smiling and welcoming me to Hellsing, some even asked me for a friendly slap.

I oblidged.

They were just getting started for their morning exercises to which I was invited, when a loud bark sounded behind us. I spun around and saw the same black menace from yesterday.

The dog was sitting on its haunches, mouth open wide, its long tongues lagging out, watching the scene were were making. It must have looked rather odd, now that I think about it.

Mr. Bernadotte, cradling a 'battle wound' as he was now calling it, Seras trying in vain to stop the men from lecherously touching her, poor thing, and then there was me, struggling to hold up one of the heavy-weight guns that I was expected to shoot.

The dog rose up and padded over to me where it nuzzled my left leg. Seras was giving the dog an odd look, _'Maybe she's allergic…'_ as I reached down and scratched behind its ears.

"Hey there, fella! You comin' out to watch?" I asked as I knelt down and put my gun to the side, now using both hands to pet the dog. I failed to notice how Mr. Bernadotte's eye buldged as I threw my arms around my fuzzy new friend and burried my face in its furry chest.

I was never one for dogs, per se, but this fuzzy fella's growing on me…

"Um, M- mademoiselle?" one of the men asked cautiously, slowly moving closer to where I was. I glanced up, barely moving my head, the fur was so warm and the air was so cold.

"Yeah?" I asked, moving away from the dog slightly, which was apparently not liked as a paw, nails included, dug into my right leg, "Ow! Bad dog!" I shouted, which made the paw move.

"T- that's not a dog…"

I looked towards the man again, feeling a rippling sensation where I was holding the dog, but I didn't really pay attention to it, "What was that?"

"That iz not a dog!"

The man fell back with a shreik, and all the others had shocked looks on their faces, I huffed, "I think I know a dog when I see one, and _this_," I accentuated by poking the dog with my finger, "Is indeed a do-" I realized I hadn't actually been looking at the dog since the man had started freaking out. What I did realize, was how whatever I was poking, wasn't fur anymore.

It was smooth and satiny. Also, that it chuckled, darkly, when I had poked it. _'Dogs don't chuckle…_', Turning my head, I found that I had one arm wrapped around the red guy, Alucard, and one finger poking into his chest.

I blinked, a nervous habit of mine, "Um… Hi?"

I could feel the vibrations from his chuckling as I hadn't let him go yet, "_Hi_, indeed…" he grinned, showing off a very white, very straight, very _sharp _row of teeth. I tried to pull back, but his hand held me in place before he slowly lifted me to my feet.

Once I was up, he let go, and I scrambled away, "You creep! Don't touch a lady without her permission!" I shouted, my face flaming with embarassment.

The man kept grinning, "Oh? But you were the one to hug me." he said, _'Arrogant bastard...'_ I muttered in my head, though he probably heard it, because he laughed again.

"That was because you were a dog! Why were you a dog?" I practically screamed, this was getting much too weird. It was about this time that Mr. Bernadotte spoke up, "_Zat,_" he said, pointing to Alucard, "Is ze Hellsing family's pet vampire…"

Can anyone say, _"Fuck!"_…?

* * *

A/N: Thank you for reading! (sorry I was late ^^;)

Hope you enjoyed this! (I sure did)

Tumbling Tundra


	5. Rules for Hellsing

Summary:  
_Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out __  
__to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too..._

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Hellsing or have any affiliation  
with the series/manga what-so-ever.  
Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

**Top A/N:  
**I love you people,  
thank you for your support ^^

* * *

_**"Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,**_  
_**How does your garden grow?"**__**  
**_  
_**"With Bloody Belles, And Shot Gun Shells,**_  
_**And Vampires all in a row."**_

* * *

Mary Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter 5; _'Rules for Hellsing'_

* * *

Ahem. Allow me to start off by saying that you should _never _trust anyone who works for an organization that forces its employees to wear all yellow.

Also, if one of these 'employees' happens to be wearing red, run away as fast as you fucking can. He's nothing but trouble. Creepy as hell trouble.

I glared at Big Red, and don't gripe 'cause I'm naming him after a beverage. He's big and he's red and he pisses the hell outta me. To top it all off, the cherry on this cake from Satan? Big Red is a vampire.

Oh, and FYI, he don't sparkle…

I frowned in his direction and brushed the remainder of his dog-form-fur off of my jacket, "Can anyone explain to me why this," I waved a hand at him, "Is a vampire/dog thing? Is that normal? I thought vampires turned into bats or something equally creepy."

The Wild Geese looked pretty tame right about now, cringing back a few paces as Red chuckled, "You watch too many movies, Flower Girl." he chided, creepy grin in place.

"Shut it, Red," I huffed, not enjoying the nickname in the slightest, "And what about sunshine, huh? That a myth too?"

He shook his dark head, "No it isn't, Flower Girl," he grinned, oh how I hated that grin, "It's rather cloudy today, isn't it?"

I cast a glance at the cowardly Geese behind me, then back to Red, "Sure is, Sparkles."

The grin faded into a blank expression, and his voice came out in a whisper, "Sparkles?"

I nodded, looking up at him with a wide grin of my own, "Never read _Twilight_? The vampires all sparkle in the sunshine, _tra la la_." I waved my hands a bit for emphasis.

He blinked behind his glasses, which were weird, orange-glasses things, as his mouth twitched, showing off the points of his teeth, "Sparkling… vampires…" his mouth twitched severely upwards and I stepped back as he knocked his head back and laughed.

I wasn't the only one disturbed by the sound of it. The loud, freakish laughter varied in pitch, one minute low, one minute high enough to shatter glass. I won't even bother describing it further…

It was around that time that Walter showed up, jogging towards us with a worried expression on his face as he watched Alucard.

He stepped between us and took me with him inside the building. Apparently, the laughter was so loud and obnoxious, Sir Stick-Up-Her-Butt Hellsing had heard it in the midst of some very important English-Lady-Duties.

* * *

And so, I learned some very important lessons that day. Or rather, due to my _'incompetant, idiotic nonsense'_, Hellsing had to instill a few new rules.

1.) No mentions of alleged 'Sparkling Vampires'.

2.) No metions of _Twilight_, or related materials. These mentioned materials are also not allowed on the premises.

3.) No hugging the vampires, be it on the grounds or otherwise.

4.) No attempting to argue with superiors.

Yeah, Hellsing…

I wondered to myself as I retired to my room, glaring at the vacant cream walls and the yucky yellow-ness of it all, exactly how long it would take me to find some civilized place as far from Hellsing as possible…

Then, I remembered Red's big bad dog body, which no one ever bothered to explain to me, by the way, and how he had chased my ass into the ground… Okay, running away- so not an option.

I fell asleep, still in my uniform, wondering what other _fun_ times were in store for me…

* * *

A/N: If this seems different from the original,  
that's because I forgot to save the copy I had been editing  
(spellcheck, ect...) and closed the program.  
Suffice to say, I deleted the chapter and ha dto re-write it  
from memory...

Hope you liked it, short as it was C=

Tumbling Tundra


	6. The dungeons are damp and dusty

Summary:  
_Life in England is wonderful. Until you hit a homeless guy, who turns out __  
__to be a zombie, vampires try to eat you, and the red guy who saves you is a vampire too..._

Disclaimer:  
I do not own Hellsing or have any affiliation  
with the series/manga what-so-ever.  
Hellsing belongs to Kouta Hirano.

**Top A/N:  
**I love you people,  
thank you for your support ^^

* * *

_**"Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary,**_  
_**How does your garden grow?"**__**  
**_  
_**"With Bloody Belles, And Shot Gun Shells,**_  
_**And Vampires all in a row."**_

* * *

Mary Mary, Quite Contrary

Chapter 6; _'The dungeons are damp and dusty… and vampire infested…'_

* * *

I groaned loudly as I felt a large hand shaking my shoulder. In protest, I buried my face back where it belonged; my nice, soft pillow.

Which, in some remote part of my mind, I found odd, cause Hellsing's pillows are all like, mass-produced, hard as a rock, pieces of complete and utter crap.

Still, it was soft, so I didn't pay attention to it. That is until a hand brusquely rubbed my shoulder again. I said something into my pillow, but it was kinda muffled.

My pillow shook softly and I guessed that whoever was trying to wake me was now trying to take my pillow away. I grabbed on tight to the fabric cover of my pillow and muttered out, "Mine…" incoherently.

My pillow moved again and I lifted my head to tell off the annoying person fucking with me and my pillow. Everything in my immediate field of vision was covered in a blurry expanse of red.

I squinted my sleepy eyes, wondering how on earth this nasty cream coloured room that I'd been given was swiftly painted red overnight when the 'pillow' moved for the third time.

I fought a frown when I lifted my head up some more- and came face to face with Red…

"Time to wake up, Flower Girl."

I must have been _way_ too tired because I only managed a soft thunk of my loosely curled fist on his chest before my head collapsed on my _real _pillow. I watched with one sleepy eye open as Red lifted himself off the bed with that same damn smirk.

As he left and I returned to dream-land, I failed to notice the loud poundings of footsteps and the repeating sound of cocking guns. I also didn't pay attention to the one window in my room, which showed only a black curtain of night…

* * *

"Unhand me this instant, you ruffians!"

That loud, somewhat familiar voice startled me awake. I rushed outside my room, where I was met by a disgruntled looking Walter.

"Miss Allen," he began in a whisper, though that voice that woke me was still screeching profanities, "Sir Integra would like me to inform you that your immediate presence is required in her office."

I knew that couldn't be anything good, especially judging by his face, "Um… Why, exactly?"

His eyes widened, "I'm afraid it is due to your earlier negligence, Miss Allen." he said, as if I had any idea what he was talking about.

"My negligence? What the hell, I was sleeping! And I didn't use any no-no words either!"

Walter frowned a little bit then. You ever seen a old-British-gentleman butler frown? It really pulls the old heartstrings, let me tell ya.

"The Hellsing's alarm system went off at around three o'clock this morning, Miss Allen," he said with disbelief, "Sir Integra even sent out Alucard to rise every able-bodied member of the organization."

My mouth widened in an 'O' and I recalled how Big Red had been in my room last night. _'Not just in my room,'_ I thought, with no small amount of horror, _'He was in my fucking bed!'_

My face must have turned a startling shade of red, if the confused expression on Walter's face was anything to go by.

I made a mental note to push Red into the nearest pointy object…

I waved him off with a nervous laugh and walked on, not too happy about going to see Sir Stick-Up-Her-Butt. For the second time this week…

* * *

I slid in through Sir Integra's big doors, and into her office, cringing as they squealed. _'Does she ever oil her hinges?'_

You know? I finally decided what it is about Sir Integra that pisses me off.

Her snarky, lick-my-boots-or-I'll-stuff-your-ass attitude, the way she sits there, legs crossed, puffing away on some fancy cigar, and the know-it-all grin that crawls onto her face when she knows she's caught you doing something you shouldn't have…

She reminds me of my elementary school teacher, Mr. Monroe… Man, that guy was a _dick_!

Yes, I just compared Sir Integra to a gross, middle-aged man with like, three teeth, but I'm serious! That pedophilic bastard totally learned his attitude from this chick! Or maybe vice versa?

"Miss Allen," she started, cigar still in place. I always wondered how people do that… "It has come to my attention that you were absent from last night's mission. Would you care to explain why?"

I swallowed. Yep, she _has to be_ related to Mr. Monroe, "Well…" I was at a loss. How do I answer without ending up as a corpse in a sewer? "I was… sleeping?"

Her deadpan face let me know that I hadn't even come close to the right answer.

"Miss Allen, you are fully aware by now that our entire organization was under attack last night by a rogue vampire, and you walk into my office to tell me that you _slept through it_?"

"There was an attack?" I asked, in all seriousness.

Her eyes narrowed and she inhaled sharply, "I order you to clean out the dungeons, as punishment for your negligence."

She waved a hand in my face and puffed away again, re-directing her attentions to the paperwork at her desk, "Um, the dungeons?"

Her sharp eyes rooted me to the spot, "Did I not make myself clear, Miss Allen?"

I bit my lips with a grimace and shifted on my feet, "I kinda, sorta… have no idea where the dungeons are… Or how to clean them…"

If I thought she couldn't look any more mad…

* * *

I frowned as I carried the heavy mop bucket filled with soapy water into the dungeons. I thought I would be in for a big ass task, but fuck was this overkill.

Hellsing had to have at least fifty dungeon rooms beneath the castle, and I really had to clean all of them? That uptight sack of moldy muffins was out of her fucking mind!

I dropped the bucket, grabbed the sponge, and started on the first room. There was dust everywhere, and I mean everywhere. Who needs all these empty rooms cleaned anyway?

I stifled a yawn and stood up to stretch, wishing I had brought a pad or something to rest my knees on. The first room completely clean, I grabbed the bucket, plopped the sponge into the slightly brown water, and turned to leave room one.

"Ow!"

I had turned too fast and found my nose mushed against Red's chest. Great…

* * *

A/N: I am back!  
After far too long...  
I wonder if anyone even remembers this...  
(you haven't been gone that long, drama queen!)  
Shut up!

Sorry, internal monologue... Also, I posted part of Clara's story...  
For those interested in that poor girl...

*nervous head shaking*

Remember-

(September 11, 2012)


End file.
